The Basics

Vince Lombardi started his first practice with the Green Bay Packers with the words: "Gentlemen, this is a football." Not a bad place to start. "Guys, this is Fantasy Football(FF) in a nutshell." A FF team is exactly that, a fantasy. The players on your team don't necessarily play on the same team in real life, they can but it is not typical. The basic premise allows Fantasy owners to pick players from any team and assemble the best possible team having any active player eligible for selection.

Each FF team is managed by an "Owner" (that's you). Typically, Owners play in a league of 8-14 teams. Each week, your team will "play" another team in the league. The winner will be whichever team has accumulated the most points (duh!) Each team accumulates points according to the performance of its players. For instance, in my current league, your team is awarded 6 points each time your QB (quarterback) throws a TD (touchdown.) Scoring can vary from league to league and we'll cover that later.

Each owner selects the same roster of players. Typically, each team gets 2 QBs, an assortment of RBs (running backs), WR (wide receivers), TE (tight ends), PK (place kickers) and DEF (team defenses). The actual make up of each team can vary from league to league but these are the player positions you'll have to get to know. All the players listed are Offensive players (except of course the defense.) Your team score points when they do what they were hired to do which is gain yards or score touchdowns or kick field goals.

Each owner selects their players on the same day through a draft process. Drafts can be either "snakes" or "auctions." In a "Snake" draft, each owner draws a number from 1 to 12 (or however many owners are in the league.) The owner with number one makes his first pick, then the owner with number two selects his and so on. When the last owner has made his first pick that concludes round 1. Then he, the last one to pick in round 1, immediately selects first for the 2nd round and the selection process goes through the numbers in reverse order. In an auction draft, each owner starts with the same salary and can bid on each player. There is no predetermined selection order. Each owner just wins his players through an auction process. This is for the very, very, very savvy Fantasy Football owners out there and only about 10% use this system. If you are reading this blog, you are not ready for an auction draft and you will learn nothing more about them here.

DO NOT attempt to draft a team without doing research. If you show up on draft day without a good understanding of the players, you will supply the rest of the league with enough material to heckle you with for the rest of your life and beyond. Your name will be brought up every year after that and become code for "idiot." The importance of Draft Day can NOT be overstated. During the first few weeks of the season, before the players have a had a chance to prove the owners wisdom, all the talk and ribbing is about the draft; which player you selected and in which round you did it. You've probably heard someone say something like "You took Michael Vick in the first round? Really? What were you thinking?"

This is enough for now. To help you get a handle on this, take a look at the this list of highest ranked and most valuable players listed by position. Football Player cheatsheet. Be very careful to make sure you know the players position before diving into the conversation. If they are talking about which RB they should start and you pipe in with the name of a WR, you'll totally out yourself.

The Draft

Draft day is more exciting to most Fantasy Owners than Christmas. We look forward to it like 6 graders look forward to the last day of school. We are absolutely irrational in our focus on that day. There's so much that can be said about this mass psychosis and someone looking to make millions in pop psychology should write a book about it. But for our purposes, we'll just examine what goes on and let someone else psychoanalyze it later. There are things you'll need to bring to the draft. Actually, if you can host the draft do it. There is such a thing as homefield advantage so volunteer for this if you can. If you host it, you don't have to worry about forgetting something. It is considered bad form, however, to nag and pester the other owners about feet on the coffee table and no drinks in the living room, and don't use those towels. Your home will be besieged by a horde of marauding Vandals. Drinks will get spilled. Don't host it if your house is not buffoon proof.

On draft day, you'll want to wear your favorite team's jersey, or hat, or helmet, or mascot costume. The sky is the limit here. You could show up in just any old thing that you grab out of the laundry hamper too but it adds to the party atmosphere if you, wearing your Peyton Manning jersey are sitting next to someone else wearing an Aaron Rodgers jersey. You can go old school with this too and show up in a Dan Marino jersey. That'll show your long time love and respect for the game. BUT, be prepared to talk about Marino's best game and what a crying shame it is he never won a Superbowl. You don't want get caught faking your way through this. The most sure-fire bet would be to get the jersey of any of players listed at the top of the cheatsheet.

Bring some food. Nachos and wings are a solid choices. Petit-fours and Lady Fingers, not so much. A 2 liter of your favorite soda is absolutely required. I'm in a league with my church buddies so we don't do beer but if you're in a league with drinkers, don't be the only one to show up without some. The goal here is not for everyone to get hammered-this is not a party, its a draft. In fact, not a whole lot drinking actually happens during the draft. Everyone is trying to stay sharp. You'll probably bring most of it back home with you.

You'll also want to have your team name ready for this day too. I keep my team name under wraps until the last possible moment and then unveil it with great ceremony. I do this because I'm a ham and just have to milk the spotlight when I get the chance. Most people use some kind of macho rendering of their names, "Mark's Madness," "Perkins Pirates," "Bad News Bags" (his name is Bagley). Some people use some variation of their favorite football team ie "Bronkomaniacs," "Mikey's Chiefs." I think those all lack style so I usually come up with something really out there. Last year, I went 12 and 4 with "Dogs Playing Poker." This year, I went with a reverse and chose "My Little Pony." It was the least macho, most girlie name I could think of. I chose it so when I win, Perkins Pirates has to tell everyone he lost to My Little Pony. It adds an extra measure of humiliation for my opponents.

Bring either a list of specific players or a strategy for position choices. Some guys show up with their dream list of each player they'd love to have for each position. This plan typically disintegrates in the first round because someone else will want those same players. So along with their list of ideal players, they also bring 2nd and 3rd choices for each position. Plans like this have been known to survive through the 2nd round but once again, if you have them on your list, then so does everyone else. A better plan is a drafting strategy.

Using a drafting order strategy has two advantages. It will help you build a better team and keep you from "falling in love" with one player and possibly having your season ruined when they tear their ACL on the first carry of the game. Secondly, it will save you the hassle of memorizing statistics about each player. So if someone were to ask you who would you take in Round 1, you could respond with: "I'm gonna grab the best Running Back, depending on my draft order." This will also give you the appearance of being savvy and cagey. It shows you know enough to know which position has the greatest value and shows you know better than to tell someone else who you really want. They may just be asking you so they'll know which player to draft before you have a chance to. League winners show up on draft days with two or three must-haves. These are players they will grab in the first round if they are available. The highest ranked RB is usually the first player selected. So, now that the season has started and the draft is over, if you were just wanting to break the ice and get a conversation started, you could ask "So who'd you take in round 1?" This should be all that's needed to get the conversation going. From this point on, just nod and smile along with everybody else.

To help you prepare for your draft, use the following drafting order strategy and participate in a mock draft at this link:Mock Draft. This is a free service, DON'T spend any money or give them any financial information. Just register and log in so you can use the mock draft tool. Draft your players according to this list of positions. Just select the highest ranked player available at the position you are drafting for. Here's your drafting order strategy:

RB
RB
QB
RB
WR
TE
RB
WR
QB
Def
WR
WR
TE
Def
PK

Use your cheat sheet from "The Basics" post to help you select the highest ranked player at each position when it's your turn to pick in each round. In preparation for draft day, many owners will tinker with their strategy and participate in about 5-10 mock drafts first. Have fun.

Scoring

Now that you have a team selected, its time to see how good your selections were. Using these simplified scoring rules, figure out how many points your team scored.

TDs thrown by your QB: 6 pts
TDS caught by your WRs or TEs: 6 pts
TDs scored by your RBs: 6 pts
Interceptions (INT) caught by your Def: 4 pts.
(INT) caught by your Def that are immediately returned for a TD on the same play(this is called a "Pick 6): 8 pts
Field Goals kicked by your PK: 3 pts.
Passes caught by your WR or TE for 10 yards or more: 2 pts. (2 pts for every 10 yards.)

This is a very simplified scoring scheme. You'll find leagues that give points per reception (PPR), leagues that take away points for fumbles and interceptions, leagues that award pts for keeping the opponents score below certain thresholds. It can get very complex. Be wary of those who are eager to complicate it. Chances are, they don't think their team is stacked enough to win the trophy and are looking for ways to add points for things their team is good at. Guys like this can take all the fun out of it and I do my best to avoid them.

Each week, you will submit a lineup of the players you want to "start." This is why you select more than one player at each position. The players you don't "start" are called your "bench." You decide before kickoff on Sunday (and sometimes on Thursdays-but that's not important right now.) what players you think will score the most points in their position and submit that list as your "starting lineup." You'll take into consideration things like who your QB is playing against, not just how good they are as a QB. For instance, if Tom Brady (arguably the best Fantasy QB this season) is typically your starting QB and Jay Cutler is your "backup," you'll probably be "starting" Tom Brady every week. But there may be a week when Tom Brady is playing against a team with a very good defense and Jay Cutler is playing against a very weak defense. For that week, it may be better to "start" Cutler and "bench" Brady. You'll use this same process for each player on your team. If you neglect to submit a lineup by the deadline, the League will use the last lineup you submitted. In that case, if Jay Cutler is still in as your starter instead of Tom Brady, things could go very badly for you.

The league you belong to will already have a scoring mechanism in place. You don't have to do your own calculating. The League office website will be calculating the scores throughout the day on game day and usually refreshing every 60 seconds. Typically, owners are glued to this screen on Sundays. DO NOT gripe and complain about how unfair the scoring is and DO NOT start throwing out accusations about how the "website is screwed up! It's not counting the points up right." Only sore losers say stuff like this. The scoring tools are 100.99% accurate. That's right 100.99%! For an example of just how complicated it gets take a look at these scoring rules used by ESPN. Scoring rules.

Some Lingo

Please translate the following sentence:

"So are you in a Keeper league?"
Translation:
"Do you draft a completely new team each year or can you keep players from last year's team?"

"You kept your WR for your keeper league? What were you thinking?"
Translation:
"Of all the players from the team you had last year, you decided to keep the Wide Receiver and make sure he was on your team again this year? Are you stupid?"

Let's try another one:

"A Kicker? In round 3? Really?"
Translation:
You are using your 3rd pick of the draft to select a place kicker? Are you stupid?"

Try this one:
"Vick's going to have an even better year now that he has some targets but his O-line has to do a better job of protecting him"
Translation:
"Michael Vick, Quarterback for the Philadelphia Eagles, is going to produce even more fantasy points this season than he did last year because now he has better Wide Receivers to catch more of his passes but the Offensive line players need to keep the defense from hitting him before he has a chance to throw the ball."


Like any subculture, there is a unique vocabulary within Fantasy Football. Unfortunately, Rosetta Stone does not offer a course on this particular dialect. You're only way of learning it is immersion into the culture. Be very careful and avoid overreaching. DO NOT just repeat terms you've heard the older kids say. You are very likely to say something completely inappropriate and out yourself as a complete poser. You'll lose all credibility. Even if your team wins, people will just assume your getting your information from your brother-in-law or some sports talk show. Again, nod, smile and laugh along with everybody else until you know what you are saying.

Gameday

First, watch your language. Chances are good things could go horribly wrong today. Your starters could be seriously underperforming and your bench, (the players that are not starting) could be seriously overachieving. Unfortunately for you, you can't win with bench points. Only points scored by your starters will count. Depending on where you are when you see the live updated scoring for the first time, it could be very embarrassing. For instance, if you are looking at your scores on your iPhone as you are walking out of the church service and everyone getting into their cars hears you cussing out Steven Jackson again, it could be a long uncomfortable ride home. Not that I know anything about that from first hand experience.

This is what makes Fantasy Football so mesmerizing. You could have pored over scouting reports all week long and looked at injury updates and read predictions by all the so-called "experts" and still lose. Your starting QB could injured in the first play of the game and instead of getting 40+ points from him, you get 0. Once the games start, you can't change your lineup so even if your starter gets hurt, you can't just start the QB on your bench.

As the day progresses, you'll find yourself almost oblivious to the actual scores of the games; those scores mean nothing to you. You don't win your matchup even if the team your star RB plays for wins their game. You only get points from your starting lineup stats. So if the Rams actually win by going to the passing game instead of handing the ball off to Steven Jackson, like they said they were gonna do, which is why you used your first pick in the draft to select him, it doesn't do you any good. The Rams are happy because they won their game but since Steven Jackson only carried the ball for 18 yds he only gained 1 Fantasy point. Meanwhile, your opponent's RB, Frank Gore got the ball 12 times and carried it for 211 yds with 2 TDs and scored 32 Fantasy points. So eventhough I am a Rams fan, I could care less about their win because I'm too busy cussing out Steven Jackson. This leads to much confusion by your wife who thought you'd be excited about the Rams winning a game.

Gameday is a dizzying swirl of numbers and stats. You'll find yourself tuning into games involving teams you don't care about simply because your WR plays for them. With each play you'll hit the refresh button on your computer, eventhough it refreshes automatically every 60 seconds. If you happen to be at a restaurant because someone invited you out after church, you'll be completely uninvolved in the conversation and glued to the games on those big beautiful hi-def screens they have all over the place.

If you happen to make some good choices and start winning, you'll never be able to simply watch football again. You'll have the same satisfaction that gamblers get without actually gambling. With each victory, you'll become more and more impressed with your own brilliance. You'll soon have an exaggerated view of your own intelligence. If you happen to make all the right moves and end your first season with a winning record or even the league trophy, you'll be hooked for life. And then when someone says something about trading Chad Ochocinco, who has scored only 23 pts all season, for Wes Welker who is scoring 40+ pts every week, you'll laugh out loud with everyone else and actually know why you're laughing.